A Safe Place
by Katt Donna
Summary: "You're not upset, you're hurt. What you need is someplace safe where you can dig through all that rage...get to the pain beneath it" Quinn moves in with Mercedes and faces her demons. Multi-chapter fic. Please R/R
1. Chapter 1

"I really appreciate this, Mercedes" Quinn said as she tucked her clothes into some emptied drawers of the divas older brothers' dresser.

"Well you've really helped me lately, with the Cheerios and everything. I'm just returning the favor." Mercedes shrugged. "And I'm sorry about the way I acted towards you this week. You been nice to me, I just tend to get an attitude when people call me out on stuff," she finished with her winning smile and chuckle.

"Yeah, I noticed," she deadpanned and then smirked towards her from inside the closet where she scooted aside some of Bryce's left behind clothes to accommodate her dresses.

Mercedes smiled back and removed the last two garments from Quinn's Cheerios duffel, one of the last remnants of her previous life. The shirt was large and gray with "McKinley Athletics Dept." emblazoned on the front complete with a pair of black WMHS gym shorts. Mercedes imagined both belonged to Puck at one time and they looked like they'd been slept in repeatedly. She didn't say anything as she laid them on the green plaid comforter of the bed.

"They're all that's comfortable enough to sleep in. I've got more important things to spend money on than pajamas." Quinn said from the floor of the closet where she was setting her few pairs of shoes that she could still wear now that her feet had begun swelling, seemingly anxious to catch up to her behind and belly. When she had told Puck that she wanted to "do this on my own" she had meant it. He had given her a place to live and she was grateful for that, but she was determined to support herself as much as she could. She had gotten a part-time with American Eagle down at the mall, and worked as often as she could between Glee and homework. She made good money but baby bills were expensive and clothes to wear in public were a much more pressing matter than what she slept in.

And although she was grateful for all that Puck had done to help she couldn't even begin to express to Mercedes how happy she was to be out of that house. And it wasn't just Pucks mom's snark, or the different culture or "family" feel she was relieved to be rid of, it was the image she got from people knowing she was living with him. Granted, her rep was pretty much shot already, but the whole school knew how Puck was and she hated fueling rumors when there was no substance behind them. This was high school and people talk. She was already knocked up by him; there was no reason for them _not_ to believe that she and Puck were continuing to have sex. Puck had to sit out two baseball games in the season for punching out a fellow player in the locker room when he asked if they showered together and slept in the same bed. She had heard people whispering that maybe she was a fake all along, putting on the pure act but actually being anything but. She couldn't blame them for jumping to that conclusion, the majority of Pucks conquests were pretty much far from reputable young women. Therefore living with him didn't help the situation at all.

Dinner with the Joneses had been a welcome change. Plenty of food, smiles, love and laughter. Quinn felt like a welcome guest and not "that Christian girl my Jewish son got pregnant and now I have to feed". Pucks mom had never said it quite like that, but she certainly conveyed it other ways.

Mercedes had excused herself at some point during Quinn's internal monologue and had told her to wait right there, so Quinn took the opportunity to give a thorough look-over of her new room. NBA posters: check. Obligatory Beyoncé poster: check (and Quinn was pleased to note that she was _much _more clothed than the girls Puck had posters of on his closet doors. She wondered how many of them were "nice Jewish girls" his mother would approve of). Moving on… various sports medals hanging from the dresser mirror: check. She smiled as she saw figurines of each of the four ninja turtles on his bookshelf and even a small "Millennium Falcon" replica. Oh, wow, was that actually a Sega Genesis?

"He had to leave that behind." Mercedes said and she returned to the room, two spoons and half a carton of Cookies n' Cream in her hands. "She said if his grades are good this semester he can take it back with him after break."

'After break'. Quinn wondered how long from now that would be and if Mercedes' brother knew his bedroom was playing host to a knocked-up dethroned head cheerleader. She certainly didn't want to intrude on his space while he was home for a visit. And, honestly, Quinn had given some thought as to what she would do and where she would go after the baby was born. She needed to be with a family right now, just in case something happened in the middle of the night, that something most likely being labor, an ordeal Quinn was anxious for yet dreading with every fiber of her being. But she hated feeling like she was mooching off of her friends and their families. She wanted desperately to be able to just go _home_! Her mother, she knew, would take her back but only if it were approved by her father…which Quinn was pretty sure would happen the day Satan needed a snowplow. She had called her sister, who now lived in Cleveland. She was, predictably, totally in the dark about the soap opera her little sisters' life had become. Quinn wasn't surprised her parents hadn't told her although she knew she and her mom spoke often. She had been much more understanding than their parents, even inviting Quinn to come live with her and her husband.

Quinn missed her sister dearly, but couldn't quite decide if that was the route she wanted to take. Cleveland was nearly a three hour drive from Lima and Quinn wasn't sure she wanted to leave it all behind just yet. Like every teenager she planned to leave eventually, but in the natural order: Graduation, then off to college. Not because she was disowned by her parents. She also knew if it were just her sister the idea might seem more appealing. But it was her sister and her husband. She liked Jason just fine, but she knew it would be awkward. But hey, no more awkward than living with a guy who thought he was the father even though the two of you never had sex. Or living with the real father and his little sister, whom things were going really well with until one week her class finally discussed where babies come from. No those weren't awkward conversations at all! "You and my brother? EWW!" Quinn was pretty sure her cheeks were a permanent shade of red embarrassment for about a month.

Or finding yourself invited warmly into the house of a girl that, up until a few months ago, you hadn't, apparently, said anything more than "you" and "suck" to. Quinn didn't particularly remember ever saying that to Mercedes, but she was sure it was probably true. Nothing like getting knocked flat on your butt off the top rung of the ladder to make you realize how poorly you treated people. Mercedes did anything but suck. She was amazing, and Quinn was constantly in awe of her voice. Mercedes had sat down on the bed and patted in front of her, motioning for Quinn to join her.

"Do you normally eat dessert in the bedrooms?" Quinn asked as she padded over and sank down on the soft mattress, though she had a pretty good idea of just what this was.

"This ain't dessert, li'l mama, this is comfort food. I brought you here for a reason so start spillin'"

Quinn should have known Mercedes would waste no time trying to get her to open up.

"We're going to find the hurt under the mad white woman," Mercedes smirked.

"Mad white _pregnant_ woman," Quinn corrected as she took a spoon.

"Right," Mercedes chuckled. "So, think back. When did it all start?"

When did it start? When did Quinn find her life doing a 180 on top of her? What possessed her to have sex with Noah Puckerman, the boy in school with the worst reputation? When did she become unhappy with her body, which at this point she only prayed she would be able to get back? When did she become obsessed with status, image and with what everyone thought of her? Each cause led to a preceding cause, her current state being the ultimate culminating effect. Yet, the more Quinn backtracked, the more she realized she'd been screwed up for a _very_ long time.

"Birth," she said dryly as she popped a spoonful in her mouth.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, so "birth" was cliché but Quinn felt it was the truth. Not so much being born as it was who she was born _to_. Quinn was silent for quite some time, formulating her reply in her mind, its contents often being a revelation to her as she began realizing all of the actions in her past that had led to her present.

"My family," Quinn began, "is…outwardly the ideal family. Successful, rich,…obscenely good-looking" she winked and Mercedes laughed, "well-known, and by all appearances, loving and close-knit. But that's because inside we are perfectionists. We have a name and reputation and do all that we can to maintain it. There is no room for error in the Fabray household, its perfection and nothing less. Parents, of course, always want their children to do their best, but with my parents,_ they_ decided what my best was. No matter how hard I tried it was always 'try harder, study more, run faster', sort of the whole Ricky Bobby 'If you're not first you're last' mentality." Quinn chuckled but there was no real humor in her laugh, nor a trace of a smile. "And I remember, at a very young age, having this insane jealousy of my older sister. She did everything right. And I know parents don't have favorites but it sure felt that way sometimes. She just did everything they wanted, became the ideal daughter so effortlessly and they were constantly praising her. She made straight A's without studying, had all the right friends, did all the right things and I remember wanting so badly to be just like her. But I was always getting into trouble."

Mercedes watched Quinn intently as the blondes eyes picked a spot on the wall and stayed there as she spoke. Mercedes began to realize just how difficult this must be for Quinn because Quinn was one of those people that when she spoke to you her eyes didn't waver from yours. You always knew you had her full attention. Her voice was even growing softer and more distant as she continued her story, but Mercedes could still hear her every word very clearly.

"I had to study hard for my grades, and had a tendency to doodle during class. I can't tell you how many times I got grounded for making a "B" on a test. And that was in elementary school!"

"_Now, Quinnie, you've got to focus. You start with grades like this, it will become your standard for the rest of your school years." Judy Fabray said sitting down with her 7 year old daughter. "You're never going to get into Ivy Leagues and be successful if you spend all your time drawing on your papers."_

"I started working so hard to get their attention, to make them praise me the way they did Frannie but it seemed like an uphill battle, I felt like I could have used her halo for a night-light. And when you're completing with someone who practically seems perfect…have you ever seen 'A League of Their Own'?"

"Uh, yeah the women's baseball movie, right?" Mercedes said.

"The line, 'THIS is our daughter Dottie. And this is our other daughter….Dottie's sister.' Yep that was my life. I started trying to _be_ Frannie, and in retrospect I realize she was always trying to _be _mom. Part of being a Fabray is your future is practically planned for you. Everyone in or who knew our family had expectations of what Frannie and I should do with our lives and we catered to those people without a second thought for if it was what we wanted. But it wouldn't have mattered if we had. Things like that never came up in conversation at home. Insecurities, doubts anything that wasn't warm and fuzzy was just brushed to the side and the bad would blow over. " _If you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist._

"If anything, we were told to pray about it and God would take care of it all, but they never did anything to help Him help us. And then along with the struggle for attitude and academic perfection, there was the physical perfection aspect as well"

Quinn finally paused to take another scoop of ice cream. "Like, this," she motioned to the carton, which was quickly emptying. "This wouldn't happen in the Fabray household, and I don't just mean eating in the bedroom. I think I can count on one hand how many times we kept sweets in the house. Daddy would take us out for ice cream every now and then, but there was always an occasion for it. And Frannie would promptly go home and do sit-ups after finishing hers. She was a Cheerio too, captain her senior year. So, yeah she was obsessed with body image. I became self-conscious as well, just from watching her. I knew if I was going to stay level with her I was going to have to be on the squad too when the time came. So I started early, counting calories, measuring all the time, trying to be my ideal weight and not a pound more, and I was only thirteen at the time."

Quinn paused and looked around the room once more, finding even more 'childish' things to complement the ninja turtles and dated gaming console. She smiled slightly at each one, suddenly finding herself nostalgic for a childhood she had enjoyed far too little, choosing instead to grow up and focus on the future. Mercedes had sat in silence, silently offering nods and warm comforting smiles. Quinn looked back to her and sighed heavily, before trudging on.

"Frannie graduated my eighth grade year and left for college so I was going to finally enter high school without having to compete with her. Now was my time to be the perfect daughter and I knew the way to do that was to accomplish things Frannie hadn't. I knew I had to get on the Cheerios or I had no chance, and I knew from Frannie's horror stories that just being the previous Captains little sister wasn't going to do squat to get me on the team. But I didn't just want to make the team. I knew it was a long shot but I absolutely _busted_ my tail to impress Coach Sylvester and it paid off. She made me Captain. She had _never_ made a freshman Captain before. My parents were, for once, ecstatic for me. But I knew I couldn't ride on just that for the next four years. The thing about living your life to make other people happy is that you're never done. I knew I had to keep topping myself, topping Frannie. I naturally started looking for the ideal boyfriend."

"High school rules say head cheerleader always dates the quarterback. Well my freshman year the QB was a senior and I knew my parents wouldn't go for that, plus he wasn't all that cute". She deadpanned as she cocked an eyebrow, finally smiling again. "Finn and I had been friends for a few years and I knew he was training to be the quarterback the next year. More than that, he was a nice guy. He had this…innocence and boyish charm," she said as she rose from the bed to toss the empty ice cream carton into the trash can under a cluttered desk. There was a stack of basketball trading cards being held down by a Hotwheels and beside it, an old picture of what appeared to be Bryce and a very young Mercedes. Quinn picked up the picture and studied it for a minute. "I could tell there was a gentleman in there and that my parents would like him." She sat the picture back in its place and made her way back to the bed, sitting down and, with some effort, tucking her legs beneath her.

"So I started flirting with him, and at first he was completely oblivious, but then he caught on. He never asked me out though; I think he was just insecure enough to think he might be misreading my signals. I didn't ask him either. I guess I kind of wanted to keep my options open. As it turned out, getting him to take the hint wasn't the biggest of my problems. _That_ came in the form of Finn's best friend who was always around…Noah Puckerman…


	3. Chapter 3

"Since Finn wasn't taking the hint, Puck took it upon himself to return my advances. At first I didn't really think anything of it, he had always flirted with me but neither Finn nor I took him seriously, he flirted with every girl he could find. Besides, he knew he wasn't my type. Of course I can't possibly sit here and tell you I wasn't physically attracted to him, and he can be quite charming when need be, as you well know," Quinn added the last part with a humorous knowing glare.

"Oh, I know all that," Mercedes sassed. "I _still_ don't know what I was thinkin' "

Quinn smiled, and then sighed. "Anyway…Finn wasn't paying him much attention, just chalked it up to the Puck status quo, but I noticed that he had never really flirted this frequently or blatantly with me before, so I blamed it on his newfound obsession for Cheerios skirts. And I flirted back sometimes, but never with any serious intent and I thought he knew that. He was very aware that I was after Finn and even more than that, he knew how much we, once again, _so_ weren't each other's type. I figured it was all harmless…until he kissed me…"

Quinn could see Mercedes' interest pique, and who could blame her; this was every girl's favorite part: the romance…especially if it was of the forbidden sort.

"It was about the middle of the school year. Basketball had just started and Matt had a party at his house after the first game. And it wasn't one of "those" parties; there was no alcohol or anything, just a normal burgers and chips party so I can't even blame it on being impaired. We were just hanging out, talking, just the two of us…and he kissed me. Nothing earth-shattering, it was kind of playful, but I was still glad that somehow no one saw. I think he was really trying to see if he could get away with it so I punched him in the arm for good measure.

"Then, later I went outside for some air and walked around a bit. Finn had been tied up all night talking about the game so he didn't miss me, Puck found me though. No one was outside, we were alone, just sitting leaned against the back of the house. We didn't talk about anything…we just started kissing. It was…I don't know, I knew I shouldn't have been kissing a guy like him but…I didn't want to stop."

She remembered everything in striking detail. The smell of his soap, (and the refreshing realization that he had bathed after the game instead of simply, and most often ineffectively, dousing himself in AXE like most of his teamates), the soft scrape of his slightly bristled chin against her smooth one, the surprising softness of his full lips, the faint taste of Doritos on his tongue (which was the _only_ way Quinn had allowed herself to taste that zesty calorie ridden junk food thankyouverymuch) and his hands… His right rested on her waist, unmoving, behaving itself, the left on her face. His long guitar calloused fingers lightly caressed the nape of her neck, causing goose bumps to pucker all over her skin, his thumb stroked her cheek with every movement of their mouths against each other.

Quinn had been kissed before but not like this. Not with a guy like him. Not with the risk of someone seeing them and her pristine image getting tainted. It was that last factor that caused her to break away from the kiss, smile at him teasingly while biting her lip, then rise from the ground and go back into the house as if his kisses had no effect on her.

"I wish I could say that _that_ was the end of it, but," she gestured toward her cumbersome belly, "clearly it wasn't. The next few months held quite a few secret meetings and make out sessions, emphasis on _secret! _And it wasn't that I was intentionally being rebellious, doing something I knew my parents wouldn't approve of, I just didn't really think about it in those terms because at first….it didn't mean anything….we we're just kissing and that was all, no deep conversations about "feelings" or anything. We just really liked kissing each other. And as it continued I do have to admit I did start getting a kick out of casually making out with "_that_ kind of guy" that would make my mom clutch her pearls and pass out in shock. But I had always tried my best to be the model daughter and do everything that I was told, I figured this could be my little secret reward to myself. I enjoyed being with Puck, I liked the danger of it, you know? And I thought as long as they, or anyone else, never found out, well, no harm done.

"I started _really_ looking forward to seeing him, and not just because of the making out….but because, he made me feel like I was perfect. With my sister, my parents, and now Coach Sylvester constantly making me aware of all my imperfections…I would go to Puck and…at some point when we would surface for air he would always tell me how beautiful I was…and I would believe him…only to go home and be told to stand up straighter or some other fickle thing like that."

_Posture, Quinnie. Studies have shown that posture has a great effect on confidence and if you want to be successful you can't be slouching. Mother knows best._

"Anyway, by summer Finn had finally come around and we started dating. I was still trying to rope him in during the whole Puck thing, I think I forgot to mention that," she added flatly. "And I didn't feel right continuing with Puck, nor did I really see the need to, since I now had a boyfriend to turn all my attention to."

"A boyfriend you could be seen with in public," Mercedes threw in.

"_Exactly_!" Quinn nodded. "So I ended things with Puck, he pouted but he understood. School started back and Finn and I were the golden couple. I was the most popular girl in school dating the most popular guy, I was still Captain of the Cheerios, and I had talked Principal Figgins into letting me start the Celibacy Club, something my perfect older sister had never thought of. I was earning major brownie points with my parents and for once everything in my life seemed to be falling into place. For the first time I felt I was on my way to being truly happy. But _then_….for some….Good Lord only knows reason," Quinn spat out, flustered, "Finn decided to commit social suicide and join _Glee Club_! And _that's _when everything _really _hit the fan."


	4. Chapter 4

_Finn decided to commit social suicide and join Glee Club!_

Mercedes could hear the (mock?) disdain in Quinn's voice at the final two words, but took it with a grain of salt. Mercedes knew how much Glee meant to Quinn now, they were (nearly literally) all she had left. She was merely giving her point of view on the group from _that_ Quinn's perspective. She nodded at Quinn to continue.

"He wouldn't even tell me that he had joined, said he was doing some after school tutoring. I didn't doubt it, he needed it, his grades were atrocious. Puck was the one who told me. He followed all of you when you went to see Vocal Adrenaline perform."

_Hey babe, followed your boy last weekend and guess what? He's in Homo-Explosion now. So what do you say, you, me? Let me show you what it's like to date a real man._

"I didn't believe him, I mean Finns not the brightest guy but surely he wouldn't do something that stupid. But sure enough, Finn bailed Artie out of a Porta-San and went on to Glee practice. Puck ran over to Cheerios practice and told me, I told Sue and she, I and Santana went to check it out. 'Don't Stop Believing'. It was awesome, but only in retrospect. At the time it was the worst song I'd ever heard. Or it could have been the choreography that I hated most. Just seeing him strut around the stage all smiling and making googly eyes at RACHEL. BERRY."

Quinn realized with a bit of shock that she had actually made it so far in her impromptu autobiography without mentioning the brunette night troll before now. She sat in silence for a few moments, thinking about all the ways Rachel factored into her story.

"What is it with you and Rachel?" Mercedes broke the silence. "Other than that fact that she's annoying and loud, opinionated…" she continued rolling her eyes.

"Keep going and you'll finish this "therapy session" for me" Quinn chuckled with a genuine glint in her eyes.

Mercedes smiled back before asking, "but really? Was it that or...some social food chain thing?"

"Yes…and no." Quinn scooted further back on the bed, sighing heavily as she rested her back against the firm pillows piled against the headboard. Her lips were slightly parted as if waiting for a word to form and her eyes were pensive. Mercedes could tell that she was thoughtfully preparing her next soliloquy.

Quinn's words were soft, when she finally spoke again. "I was…jealous of Rachel." Okay_, so_ did not see that coming. Mercedes couldn't prevent the incredulous eyebrow that rose at this latest revelation, but Quinn continued, giving full reason for her envious inclination. "I….didn't know where my life was going. I knew what everyone thought I should be, what I should do, but was it really what _I_ wanted? I had it all; the looks, popularity, the important family, the money, the trophy boyfriend, but no direction. High school is when you're supposed to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, what career path you want to take. I thought that I knew all that, it had been laid out for me since birth but…being with Puck for that short time, doing something for myself, I began thinking about what _I wanted_. And I didn't know. Outwardly, I had everything under control. Inside, one more insecurity to add to the bunch. But I couldn't let it show because of what people might think."

"And then there was Rachel, walking around McKinley like she owned the place, I mean really. Like she was some great prize to be fawned over. Loud, overbearing, sickeningly enthusiastic with a seriously inflated image of her own self-importance. She knew _exactly_ what she wanted out of life, _exactly_ where she was going and I watched her take slushie upon slushie to the face, some by my own hand, and she _never_ wavered. She had her dream, her eyes on the prize and she didn't care what _anyone_ thought of her. She didn't let slushies or name-calling, gossip or…bathroom graffiti distract her…and I was jealous. This girl who was a _nobody_ thinking she was somebody. _**I**_ was somebody! I was Quinn Fabray, and this nobody had everything that I wanted. She knew exactly who she was and I was beginning to realize more and more that I didn't." Quinn's voice had developed a more pronounced tremor in it the more she spoke, and Mercedes saw moisture shimmering in her eyes, but Quinn refused to let the tears fall. She took a deep breath and blinked several times until the lights from the overhead ceiling fan no longer shone in her hazel orbs.

"So I did what any rational person in my position would do," she said tongue-in-cheek, her voice steady once again. "I took my insecurities out on her, tormented her. Then when I saw them dancing…and he looked so happy…with _her_….I just…" Quinn sighed. "I begged him to quit, tried reasoning with him, bribing him…he wouldn't quit. I hoped it would just blow over. Rachel started following him like a little lost puppy, bold as brass right in front of me, always with the pretense of talking to him about Glee stuff. She even started coming to the Celibacy Club meetings. She wanted him, no doubt, and I could tell he was interested in her too. He started sending time with her, always doing the aforementioned "Glee stuff". Mike threw a party we were supposed to go to, as the "it" couple you're expected to make appearances at these kinds of things but Finn had made plans with Rachel. Singing lessons or some sort of crap like that, so…we didn't make the party. I have to confess I entertained the thought of calling Puck to keep come keep me company. I was imagining the worst between Finn and Rachel and if he wasn't being faithful why should I? But I had no proof, so I sat idly by and did nothing. Puck was probably busy with some other girl at the party who would be willing to go further with him than I would anyway.

"I tried to have faith in Finn, give him the benefit of the doubt, but then a couple days later…you guys did the assembly with that…_God-awful song_!" she exclaimed with a hand to her face.

Mercedes couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Push It!" she said with a nod.

"It was like she purposefully took _everything_ I was against and threw it in my face just to spite me! And she was _all over him_ in front of the whole school! I knew then that I had to do something. So I joined Glee, brought Brittany and Santana with me. We got it past Coach Sylvester because we promised to spy for her. I thought that it would make everything better with us but… it only got worse. Now I had to watch firsthand them getting all the mushy duets and her throwing herself at him at every turn. It all started catching up to me. Trying to salvage our relationship, keep Rachel's paws off of him, maintain the image-ours and my own personal one, balancing Glee, the Cheerios, Celibacy Club, keeping straight A's…It was so hard though, especially the Finn part. It just got to where it seemed like Every Other Word out of his mouth was _Rachel_!" Mercedes could hear the contempt in Quinn's voice at the name of the starlet.

"Rachel thinks this or Rachel said that. I was losing him to her. _Her _of all people! I couldn't keep it together. At weigh-ins that Friday I learned that I had been so stressed with everything that I had gained two pounds. Of course as captain I was supposed to set an example, therefore Coach Sylvester made a spectacle out of me in front of the whole squad. It was the highlight of my year so far," Quinn said sardonically. "Puck was having a party at his house that night, Finn and I had promised to go but apparently Finn forgot and made plans with Rachel for bright and early the next morning and he claimed that he needed rest and couldn't make the near all-nighters that Puck threw. So I said 'screw it', I went to the party by myself. Well, I rode with Brittany, but still I was there. Without Finn, tired, frustrated, depressed, incredibly angry at myself for letting so many things slip out of my control and, to top it all off, feeling fat. Big mistake.


	5. Chapter 5

"I knew as soon as I got there that going without Finn was a bad idea. Every single frickin' person at that party asked where he was. I wasn't about to tell them "dreaming of Rachel Berry" so I just told them that he wasn't feeling well and he was getting some rest. That excuse seemed good enough for everyone. Well, everyone but Puck. He wouldn't leave it alone, taking every opportunity he could to tell me how much better it would be if I was with him."

'_Babe, I'd never let you out of my sight. I don't care if I had pneumonia or somethin' I'd still be all up on that,' he'd said as he eyed her lasciviously._

'_Thanks, Puck that's so charming of you,' she'd replied the sarcasm nearly tangible. 'But I don't really need to rehash all the reasons we would never work do I?'_

"I don't know what I was expecting to accomplish going to the party. You see, Puck _did_ throw "those kinds of parties". The kind I prayed I wouldn't get caught at. In my defense I never drank at any that I went to. Despite my parents being full blown lushes, I actually have quite a low tolerance. Everyone else was too preoccupied with getting drunk and being stupid to carry on an intelligent conversation with. Normally I would have had Finn to talk to, but…

"I made small talk mostly with other Cheerios and some jocks, amidst Puck's constant flirtations with me. I was mostly waiting on Brittany to say she was ready to leave, but I knew that probably wouldn't be until at least two a.m. and I didn't really trust anyone else at the party enough to take me home, except Santana, but let's face it, I figured she was going to be pulling her own kind of all-nighter at Pucks house.

"At about one-thirty, after spectating the tenth or so round of beer pong, I decided to go outside and just be alone. I just kept thinking about how to fix everything. I knew if I could destroy Glee club it might break Rachel's hold on Finn and we could get our status back. I mean, I was still okay, but Finn's rep was going down big time. Mercedes, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I _hated_ that he was in Glee. You have no idea what it's like being the 'it' couple one day and then the next having all the other popular kids coming up to you informing you that your boyfriend's a 'fag'. And that was one of the _nicest_ ways they put it." Quinn hated the word, and hoped Mercedes knew she wasn't using it flippantly. That was just what they had said.

"Yeah, I just know what it's like having two of my friends come up to me and telling me that the guy I _thought_ was my boyfriend was, how did they put it? Lady-fabulous? " Mercedes laughed.

"Yeeaah, I'm getting to that part later. That was kinda my fault. Anyway, back to the party. I just thought that if I could get Finn back…maybe I could like myself again. Because at that point, I didn't, I mean I really didn't. I felt absolutely worthless. I was the girl every guy in school wanted and the only guy I wanted, _my boyfriend,_ was hung up on Rachel Freakin' Berry, the Slushie Queen! I was no longer in Sue's good graces now that I was becoming a fatty, I was barely maintaining my "A" average, Celibacy Club was falling through because I was practically the only member who, up until that point, was still following the 'rules'. I was tired and aggravated all the time, so my parents were once again telling me to basically suck it up. They thought it was just all the responsibilities I was having to juggle, so when I tried to even broach the subject of a deeper problem, do you think they wanted to hear it or offer any kind of advice? Oh, no."

_Problem solving and dealing with problem-people is just a skill you have to hone to become successful. You've got to put your foot down and move that mountain yourself!_

"I just _knew_ if there wasn't any Glee or Rachel to distract Finn that everything would start falling back into place. Puck must have realized this was his cue to come out and talk to me. It was getting close to three am and I had heard people leaving for a while, but I didn't want to go back in. It was a warm night and I was just out there on the deck with my shoes off and my feet in the pool.

"He came out there with a four pack of wine coolers; I didn't even think really, I just took one. He asked me if I was okay. There was so much sincerity in his voice and in his eyes, it made me forget the man-whore Puck and made me remember the Puck that made me feel beautiful," Quinn's voice caught on the last word as a tear slipped down her cheek. "It made me remember that under all of the Mohawk and muscles, the bad-attitude and big-talk was a guy who really did care about me. So I told him everything. About Rachel and Finn, the Cheerios, the weigh-in and how fat I felt. I just unloaded everything on him, and he took it. Not as much as I've unloaded on you, just the past couple months' worth.

"But he listened. He just looked at me so intently while I talked, like I was the most important thing in the world. He didn't offer any advice, I didn't expect him to, but he did try to make me feel better about myself."

'_Are you kidding? You're anything but fat.' His eyes raked over her. 'You are absolutely smokin'. Do you think I'd be wastin' my time out here with a girl I didn't find totally tap-able?'_

_Quinn rolled her eyes. 'If you were looking for a way to kill the moment, that was it.'_

'_Q, I'm sorry.' He cupped her face, and leaned in close. She could smell the alcohol on his breath, but she knew he was far from drunk. Beyond the stale drink, she could smell the intoxicating scent that was just him, and she felt herself being pulled in again. His eyes were sincere, yet smoldering with a desire she was afraid was reflecting in her own eyes, when he said to her, 'you're not fat. You're beautiful. I don't think you have any idea how breathtaking you are.' The last word landed as a warm whispering breath against the corner of her mouth and she soon felt the faint brush of his lips hovering over hers._

_Quinn sucked in a sharp breath before placing both hands on his chest and gently pushing him away. Noting the hurt look on his face, she said softly, 'I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't do this with you again.' And then she said the words she should have never said. 'I don't know if I can trust myself with you.'_

"I couldn't let him kiss me, not with as vulnerable as I felt. He just always made me feel so good even though I knew being with him was utterly wrong."

'_Fine,' he said, but gently, not rudely as he stood up. Probably reveling in the fact that she had just practically admitted to him that she didn't think she could control herself if they started kissing. 'At least let me take you home,' he said helping her up._

"To which I replied…"

'_Oh I rode with Brittany.'_

'_Brittany's been gone, baby. She left with Santana about an hour ago.'_

"Brittany probably forgot that I had ridden with her, typical. So I agreed to let him take me. We went back in the house so he could get his keys. There were still a few party-ers but they were pretty much passed out on the living room floor. Puck made a mental note of who each one was so that if anything came up missing while he was gone, he knew who to shake down.

"He brought the wine coolers with us and I drank another on the way home. We didn't talk much during the ride, he knew the way, he had cleaned my hot tub a few times over the summer. We went inside, my parents weren't home, thank God since it was close to four by then. They were at some kind of Christian marriage strengthening weekend retreat or something.

_Puck whistled as they entered the front door into the grand foyer. He had never really been in Quinn's house before, only the kitchen which was accessible from the hot tub via a sliding glass door, to get a drink while he was working. 'Someday I'm gonna have me a house like this.'_

'_Not cleaning pools you won't,' Quinn laughed. 'You'd better start charging those lonely old ladies extra for the additional services you offer.'_

_Puck placed a hand theatrically on his hip. 'If you were looking for a way to kill the moment, that was it,' he said, mocking her. 'I'm trying to carry on a nice __**platonic**__ conversation and you go and insult my clientele,' he said, smiling._

_Quinn sighed, then said (seriously against her better judgment), 'Fine, I'll give you the tour.'_


	6. Chapter 6

"I showed him all around the bottom floor, then we moved upstairs to the bedrooms. We still had my sisters and the guests' room to go after mine but for all intents and purposes the tour stopped at my room."

_Puck helped himself, walking right in and sitting on the bed, placing the half consumed pack of wine coolers on the nightstand. He put his hands on either side of him and bounced a little on the bed gauging its firmness._

'_What do you think you're doing?' Quinn asked, a single brow arched._

_Puck looked up at her and, deploying every ounce of his formidable charisma, said softly, 'I want to talk some more…I'm worried about you, Quinn.' He beckoned her with an outstretched hand._

_She didn't take his hand but she did join him on the bed. He was near the end with just enough space for her, far too close for comfort so she moved past him and sat about a foot away near her nightstand. She began speaking, looking anywhere but at him though the weight of his gaze on her was making the air around her seem heavy and thick, and she forced herself to take a deep lungful, trying to seem calm before she spoke. 'I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything's falling apart and I'm worried I can't fix it. And if I can't fix it, how do I keep from being dragged down with it. I've taken a big risk joining Glee and so far it hasn't been worth it, it hasn't fixed anything, it's only made things harder. And the longer I stay the more it'll affect my rep. Everyone just expects me to be this…' she trailed off._

'_That's your whole problem, Q. You worry too much about what people think about you.' He inched closer to her and she met his gaze, and immediately regretted it. 'Tryin' to be somebody for everybody else, you just need to do what you wanna do, and screw what they think.'_

"That was easy for _him_ to say. You can't disappoint anyone if they have no expectations of you. Puck's never had a golden reputation so he had no idea what it's like seeing it teetering on the brink. He _likes_ people thinking the worst of him. He doesn't know how much maintaining peoples rose-colored perception of you can become an obsession. But I didn't say anything about that to him. He was offering the only advice he could and I appreciated that. He was talking again anyway…."

'_Come on, have you ever done anything just because __**you**__ wanted to?' he asked, his voice still soft, his eyes still intensely gazing into hers. He ghosted his fingertips across her forearm and she cursed silently to herself as her tiny hairs stood on end. She knew she shouldn't allow him to have this effect on her, Finn didn't nor any other guy she had liked, but Puck was…different. She could do nothing to stop the reactions, her body a traitor to her minds better judgment. She scooted slightly away _**just**_ beyond the reach of his fingers. _

'_Yes, I have,' she confessed, 'all this summer, remember?' She said this icily, hoping he would take it as disinterest…hoping he would leave…hoping her brain would win out over her body before she let him back in._

"There was this goofy photo of me and Finn on my nightstand" Quinn sat up straighter in the bed and began speaking to the comforter, her eyes growing increasingly sadder with each sentence. "It was taken at a pep rally. He was, umm…he had his arms wrapped around me from behind, and he had the biggest, cheesiest, dorkiest…most adorable happy smile on his face," she sniffed. "We both did. It was back when he still wanted me…" her voice slightly trembling, "instead of her. Before I started trying to control everything he did. Anyway, I tried focusing on that picture, on him: the good sweet guy, not the sexy delinquent in the wife-beater sitting on my bed. I kept focusing on it trying to remember that day, how we felt, how happy we were with each other, but it only made me realize even more how much I had screwed up. That if I had treated him better and just let him be who he was, we could still be that happy couple in the photo. That it was really my own fault that it was Puck that was in my room, and not him. Not that Finn had ever been in my room at four o'clock in the morning," she began rambling off, "just you know, figuratively speaking."

"Yeah, I knew what you meant," Mercedes said gently, smiling softly, supportively.

"I looked at that picture and thought about Rachel, how I humiliated her, put her down, tormented her, all in the name of making myself look better and _try_ to feel better. And not just her but all kinds of other people at school that I deemed inferior. Somewhere in my life something got horribly confused, where instead of being a good Christian girl and doing unto others blah blah blah, I became this… person who could only be happy by putting other people down. I didn't include God in anything in my life anymore. Sure I still went to church and prayed but not for myself. Celibacy Club wasn't even for Him, it was to make me look good, to get one up on my sister. I used all my anxieties and self-doubt as fuel for my persecutions of others. That's all I could think about looking at that picture and I just had to ask…"

'_Puck...am I a bad person?'_

"I of course knew what I thought the answer to that question was, but I felt pretty certain Puck would disagree and reassure me, try to make me feel better, and he didn't let me down."

'_What? No way. You're like, one of the best people I know. A total freakin' goody-two-shoes.' Puck said inching ever-closer._

_She quirked an eyebrow at him. Did Noah Puckerman seriously just say goody-two-shoes?_

'_And I mean that in the sexiest way possible,' he quickly recovered._

'_How about Finn? I've been a total Nazi to him lately.'_

'_No way, he's just not tough enough for a girl like you. He doesn't know how to handle you. He needs to be set straight, I swear he's turning into a wussy girl. I'm thinking about getting him a training bra for his birthday'_

_Quinn knew she should laugh at that, but she just didn't feel like it. 'What about to other people? Am I terrible to them?'_

'_Well, n-ye-no well yeah, but no, I mean…you're the HBIC and all so yeah, but no one, like, _hates _you for it. A lot of 'em are scared of you, so you're scary...but in a totally hot way! But what I mean is…you're the one all the other chicks in the school wish they were.'_

"It totally didn't answer the question that I had asked, but it was still nice to hear. Then he said the magic words…"

'_I bet even Rachel Berry wishes she was you.'_

_Quinn scoffed 'Yeah only because I have Finn…well…technically anyw…'_

'_Screw Finn,' Puck cut her off, and she eyed him incredulously, surprised he would be so brusque about his best friend. He reached out his hand and grazed her cheek tenderly before cupping her jaw in his warm palm. She looked down at what she could see of his hand on her face opened her mouth to say…she wasn't sure what…but any words that may have been forming were stolen away as she looked back up to find his face, his eyes, his lips several inches closer than they had been just seconds before. Then his soft voice and warm breath skimmed across her lips, 'he's an idiot not to see what he's got, how lucky he is to have you.' She could feel the gentle tug of his fingers on her jaw, pulling her in, slowly closing the distance between their lips. 'The girls wish they were you, and all the guys wish they were him…because of you…'_

'_Even you?' her voice sounded small and strained in her ears, her throat barely able to expel the words as her eyes which had been intently resting on his lips began to feel heavy._

'_Especially me.' His pink tongue quickly darting to wet his lips was the last thing her eyes saw before her lids drifted shut and she allowed him to pull her in completely._

"This time…I didn't stop him." Quinn once again fell silent, taking a deep breath. She looked up at the ceiling, fresh tears in her eyes, blinking, trying to fight them back so she could continue. "I let myself believe so many things that night. I let myself believe that Puck was right and that Finn just needed to be stronger. That he was the one messing our relationship up and not me. That making out with Puck was totally justifiable since he was going to be with Rachel all day long doing who-knows-what in the name of Glee Club.

"Kissing him again was…perfect. I'd forgotten how good a real kiss from a guy like him could be. Finn's kissing is just like his dancing: clumsy, lumbering, unsure, he wasn't a _bad_ kisser, just….awkward. There were a few times he got a little forward and showed some initiative, but mostly it was me setting the tone. There was nothing unsure about Puck at all. He knows exactly what he's doing. I enjoyed kissing Finn because it was sort of a power trip for me, he would let me take charge, but Puck's confidence, his um ,skill…it was a totally different kind of enjoyment….this isn't making you uncomfortable, is it?"

Mercedes shook her head 'no' and hummed "uh-uh", but Quinn could see in her eyes that she had not been expecting quite so much detail about Quinn's love life, nor a scorecard on two of her fellow Glee guys. Quinn only hoped Mercedes could look them in the eye when she was done. And that she would still accept Quinn after she got done telling her exactly all the contemptible things she had done the months following the night she was now speaking of. "Besides, my comfort isn't important. This is about you, if you need to let it out then let it out."

"Okay 'cause it's going to get worse."

"Great," Mercedes said dryly.

"I mean I'll cut to a commercial break when it gets to _that_ part, but there are things afterwards that might be a little weird for you." Quinn explained.

"Commercial break?"

"Yeah, you know how television shows show you just enough to let you know that _it's_ going to happen then they cut to a commercial and when the show comes back on its over and now they're just cuddling?"

"Ahh, okay. Thanks, yeah, I think I can do without those specific details." Mercedes smiled.

'Great, okay….where was I?" Quinn asked.

"Pucks awesome amazing to die for kissing skills."

"I did _not_ say all that, now," Quinn said smirking. "Okay," she said steeling herself to dive back in. "Here we go…"


	7. Chapter 7

"Puck kissed me with such confidence; he knew how to put me right at ease. It was also really nice to have a makeout session that could last longer than fifteen seconds, too," Quinn added wryly.

"You were only gettin' fifteen seconds? Why?" Mercedes asked.

"I'll get to that too…" Quinn promised. "Anyway,….I'm not sure what I was expecting kissing him that night, where I was thinking it would go…even when he laid me back on the bed and settled half on top of me I didn't think anything about it, like I said we had done this before. He had never pressured me for sex any of those times, he knew better, but I guess he realized how vulnerable I was that night and took a chance."

_They had been kissing for several minutes and Quinn couldn't help but smile against his mouth. She felt relaxed and allowed her mind to blank out to all her earlier doubts and troubles…until…_

"When his had moved down my body and to my thigh, it wasn't casual; it was very deliberate and intentional. It became quite clear to me exactly where this was going."

'_I can't do this' she said, pushing against his broad shoulders._

"Reality _somewhat_ came back to me at that point."

'_Yes you can,' he reached over her to offer another wine cooler from her nightstand to further relax her._

I started trying to talk my way out. My celibacy vow was worthless to him so I brought up Finn again and Puck basically said after graduation we would all forget each other, so that didn't work. Then he said…"

'_Life's just a bunch of experiences you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good, you just get dead.'_

"Looking back I can see how my heart wasn't really in trying to find an out. Now I think, if he just said he wasn't going to care about Finn in a few years, does that mean he wouldn't care about me? Then he insulted my religion, which at any other time or any other guy would have been a complete turn-off but it's like I didn't even notice any of that." Quinn looked at her hands which here resting in her lap, fingernails fidgeting, pushing at her cuticles. She sighed and shook her head.

"I have tried blaming that night on so many things. Rachel, Finn, Rachel _and_ Finn, the wine-coolers, feeling fat, being too tired to fight because it was four in the morning. The truth is….in that moment…I just didn't care anymore. Nothing I had been doing was making me happy, so why keep doing it? I lost sight of why it was all so important to me, why celibacy was so important to me. Of course it seemed all too important when it was over and my purity was gone forever, but right then I didn't care. I wasn't drunk, but I definitely wasn't thinking straight, I was so wrapped up in the moment. I just thought, y'know what, I'm never going to be my sister and I'm just so tired of trying to please everyone but myself…so I said 'okay'"

'_But you can't tell anyone, I can't lose my rep.'_

'_Our secret, baby'_

'_What about protection?'_

'_I got it, trust me. This isn't just another hook-up for me.'_

"That is the moment I am the most mad at myself about." Quinn confessed. "That's the same stupid line I have warned every girl in the Celibacy Club about and I fell for it. Not hook, line and sinker, half of my brain knew it was bull the second it came out of his mouth but the other half thought about how nicely he had treated me, how he had never pressured me before now, how he always tried to make me feel good about myself… so…chalk that up to another thing I let myself believe that night. Oh, yeah, along with 'I got it, trust me'." She mocked, rolling her eyes. "I don't know….sometimes I _still _believe he meant it when he said I wasn't just another hook-up." Quinn sighed. "Sometimes…Puck can be _wonderful!_ Absolutely everything I need him to be and during those times I truly believe that he meant it and that he does care about me, maybe even love me. But then….there are times that I just want to strangle him and then beat myself up for ever believing and trusting him!"

'_Tell me one more time…'_

'_You're not fat.'_

"I had whined to him about so many things that night that I have no idea how he knew that's what I wanted him to say…but he did, and it pushed away every last nagging doubt." Quinn then hissed out a rueful chuckling sound that was devoid of any humor "I gained two pounds and I felt fat." She looked at her belly, which was now about thirty extra pounds of baby and water. "I wish," she muttered then abruptly grabbed her belly. "OW! Yes, I'm talking about you," she spoke to her rotund abdomen, rubbing the area that had received the five-finger-death-punch.

"She gettin' mad at you?" Mercedes laughed.

"Hah, no, the opposite actually…here," Quinn reached out for Mercedes' hand and pressed it against her belly. Mercedes eyes grew round as she felt baby Beth doing what would be most accurately described as flailing. "I think the sugar from the ice cream just got to her."

"Wow, that's crazy…" Mercedes uttered with a tone of wonderment.

"Yeah, you should feel her when she gets a Krispy Kreme. Puck would sometimes go on runs for me, Eleven at night, twelve, didn't matter. And he'd sit in the parking lot until the 'HOT' light came on just so I would get the freshest batch. But anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself," she declared, and then chuckled. "I guess Beth supplied us with our commercial break."

"Yeah," Mercedes made her voice softer and throatier, "This Lifetime Original Movie has been brought to you by Blue Bell Ice cream, KISS Greatest Hits and Krispy Kreme doughnuts." Both girls cracked up despite the gloomy atmosphere that had permeated the room in the last hour then Mercedes eyebrows hitched and she literally fell over laughing as Quinn snorted amidst her own cackling.

Quinn wasn't sure if Mercedes comment had actually been _that_ funny, as she dabbed her watering eyes, or if it was just a nice change from her depressing colloquy. "Thank you, Mercedes, I needed that."

"Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night," she quipped. "Anyway, back to our regular scheduled program?"

Quinn sighed, "Yeah. Only in this case there was no cuddling. There was me yelling and throwing things at him when I realized, too late of course, that he didn't _'got it'. _He kept apologizing and telling me not to worry."

'_Chill, babe, it-OWW!-it'll be fine! Ch-Ow, stop geez, chicks never get pregnant their first time! Trust me!'_

"There were those two words again, just as empty as the first time. Anyway, I threw him out and told him not to speak to me again if he valued his life, slammed the door…and then I cried. I just slumped against the door in my bathrobe that I had grabbed and put on sometime during my tirade and I cried. And then I did what I should have done long before…I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness, guidance, forgiveness again….but did you know I never prayed that I wouldn't get pregnant? It just didn't seem right." Quinn scoffed mirthlessly again, "I mean, how would that have sounded? 'Hey God, you know that promise that I made to You to never ever have sex until I was married? Well I kinda broke it and if it's cool with You, I'd really like to not have to pay any consequences for it.' Let's not even mention the fact that I broke it under a watching portrait of Jesus."

Mercedes eyebrows rocket launched off her forehead. "Li'l Mama say what?"

"Oh yeah, I have a portrait…of Jesus….over…my bed…." Quinn stated, enunciating clearly.

"You mean you…"

"Yep. And it's not one of those 'Jesus praying in the garden' deals where He's looking up towards Heaven, oh no, He's looking down at ME….watching over me as I sleep, my parents told me when they put it up when I was a child. I really see that as a testament to how low I had sunk, how far from Him I had strayed that that portrait hanging there didn't even faze me. And I know that portrait is just a symbol of how God is always watching, He was going to see it all whether that portrait was there or not but it just makes it seem all the more sinful with that tangible symbol there. I have no I idea how I managed not to get struck down by lightning or something."

Mercedes eyebrows had returned to Earth's orbit, but her eyes still carried a trace of shock and her mouth was slightly agape. "Wow…."

"I know, I can't believe I ever did that either! Like, now I can see how weak and spoiled rotten I was that things weren't going my way and what I used to think was bad and now what I _know_ is bad and I just…I can't believe I threw something like that away so carelessly. Like my life now is one hundred times worse than it was then and I can't even fathom having sex with someone to make myself feel better, and that has nothing to do with the fact that I feel like Shamu.

"I mean this was something that I treasured, that I prided myself on and in one moment of indiscretion I gave it away like it was nothing…and Puck took it like it was nothing. And please don't take that to mean he was forceful in any way, he was actually very gentle, but….I had just always imagined my first time would be with a guy, guy meaning husband, that would appreciate and respect what I was giving him, granted that night I didn't respect it either, but still. Puck doesn't respect it, he doesn't see…." Quinn trailed off reformulating her words. "I can't understand how he can believe that sex is _so important_ but he has absolutely _no grasp_ of just how important it really is.

"It's not just something that you casually do its…I know I don't have to get into all this with you, you're a Christian too, you know what the Bible says. But, to Puck, 'virginty' is a four-letter-word. It is a disease we are all born with that we should cure ourselves of at the first available opportunity; he has no idea why anyone would be proud of it, or want to share it with only one person forever. He just absolutely does not grasp what I gave him that night, and, other than the fact that I got pregnant, he has no Earthly idea why I would wish I had it back. And I hate sounding like I'm bashing on Puck because I _knew_ that's how he was, so the majority of the blame is on me, but like I said earlier, I had also believed that maybe I was different, maybe I was something more to him. Anyway…to recap, depressed, didn't care anymore, could have told him no but didn't so, all on me. Except the getting pregnant part, that was all him." Quinn breathed deep and exhaled slowly as if to clear all her words of the past few minutes out of the air to utter that last few sentences that would wrap up her memoir of that night.

"At some point during my hysterics and fervent supplication to God, I realized I was not wearing my Crucifix, which I never take off…unless I'm in some crazy Glee Club get-up or I'm wearing a different necklace, or..." she rambled.

"Quinn," Mercedes prodded gently.

"Right," Quinn steered back to the topic. "I tried not to view its absence as confirmation that I was screwed, but I couldn't help it. I guess I could have been relieved that I wasn't wearing it, to add even more insult coupled with the portrait, while I basically slapped God in the face and threw all my promises to Him out the window. It at least gave me something to occupy my mind with while I went on a search for it through the house. I finally gave up and decided to resume the hunt in the morning….or rather afternoon since that was likely when I would get up if my conscience would let me sleep at all. I took a shower as hot as I could stand it, still felt dirty, of course, then I turned on the tv to something mindless and innocent to distract my brain while I tried to sleep. I ended up dozing off and on until about ten when my doorbell rang. And who should be on the other side of the door but the one person I had, barely more than 5 hours earlier, forbidden to ever come within spitting distance of me again….Puck."


	8. Chapter 8

Authors Note: Wow I think this is the first time I've done and AN. I just wanted to take the time to send a very big thank you to a Gleeforum friend and fellow fanfic writer lilgulie5 who has been giving me crash courses in Catholicism throughout this fic. You made this chapter possible! Now if only some of her awesome writing skills would rub off on me…

"I debated whether or not to answer the door, trying to guess if he had heard me come up to the door to look through the peep-hole or not. He rang the doorbell again and looked bound and determined to stand there until I answered."

_Quinn let out an exasperated sigh and wrapped her fingers around the locked deadbolt, thinking how he must be a glutton for punishment returning after the telling off she gave him earlier. She had another bashing ready in her mouth when she unlocked the door and swung it open, but Puck cut in before she could speak._

'_I know I'm the last person you want to see right now and you told me never to even look at you again, but I thought you might want this…' he said quickly, holding up her crucifix._

_She couldn't keep her expression from softening as she reached up and took the necklace from him, a new, nauseating wave of guilt washing over her as she ran her thumb over the small smooth golden cross._

'_I found it in the floorboard of my truck; it must've fallen off when I was driving you home.' He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at the ground. 'Look, Quinn….'_

'_Don't,' she stopped him_

'_I really am sorry,' he said softly, looking up at her._

'_Me too,' she said bitterly. 'It was a mistake, but it happened and it's over and it will never happen again. You go back to your life and I'll go back to mine.'_

'_Back to Finn?' he asked._

'_Who else?'_

'_Quinn you know he's cheating on you…'_

'_And what do you call what I did last night?' she asked sharply. 'But I can get him back' she stated, and not in vain. She had half-formulated a plan while trying to fall asleep earlier. 'As long as he never knows about this,' she finished, the warning clear in her tone._

'_I promised you I wouldn't tell anyone,' he reminded her._

'_Yeah well you promised me some other things too,' she likewise reminded him._

'_Babe, I told you I'm sorr-'_

'_Could you just…' she sighed and continued softer. 'Could you please go… ?' _

_She peered up at him to see his jaw muscles twitching as he ground and clenched his teeth before he muttered a terse 'yeah' as he turned away from her. She closed her door and locked it again after he climbed back into his truck and slammed the door shut. To his credit, he didn't peel out the drive like she expected him to. Luckily too, she wouldn't have to explain the long black tire marks, which would be totally garish next to the immaculately manicured lawn, to her parents._

"I went back up to my room, prayed some more before I put the necklace on again, and I tried to sleep some more. I finally just stripped my bed down and washed everything, which I should have done from the start, so then I took another shower.

"At about two o'clock Finn called me and apologized for being a lousy boyfriend and ignoring me. Don't you know that made me feel soooo much better," Quinn said dryly. "Anyway, he said that he wanted to make it up to me and for us to spend the evening together. So I got dressed, used the honed Fabray skill of sweeping everything under the rug, put on my Cheerios game face and went with him pretending everything was peachy.

"He did everything perfect that night, making me feel even more guilty. He brought flowers, opened the car door for me, took me somewhere nicer than Breasdtix, managed not to bring up Rachel in conversation, and I suppose he was feeling extra flirty because he kept dropping hints about my hot tub and my parents being out of town. So I figured why not. I didn't want to ruin his renewed interest in me, so I jumped on the hot tub idea. He had a pair of trunks in his gym bag and there we were, making out."

Quinn stopped for a moment and looked Mercedes square in the eye, speaking directly to her with a very serious tone to her voice. "Now, this is the part that's going to get really weird for you to hear. You're probably going to wish you didn't know this and I wish I didn't have to tell you but it's kind of vital to the story."

"Okay," Mercedes said apprehensively.

"And I hate to say this because you've opened up your home to me and I don't want to ruin this new friendship thing we've got going on, but…you do have little problem keeping secrets."

"Yeah, I know."

"But I've been telling you all this in good faith that it won't leave this room…"

"It won't," Mercedes assured her.

"But this that I am about to tell you _really _can't leave this room, I mean Finn would die if this got out. It was all he could do to tell _me_, he wasn't going to but it got to where he had to…just promise me, Mercedes."

"I promise that nothing you have said or will say will leave this room." She said sincerely, if a bit dramatically as she raised her right hand.

"Okay," Quinn breathed the word in a heavy sigh. "This I where the fifteen second make out thing comes in. In situations such as the one we were currently in, Finn can become….ummm…" Quinn trailed off, "how can I say this lady-like…_very_ easily excited". She let the sentence hang in the atmosphere until complete comprehension (and a little grossed-outedness) dawned on Mercedes' face.

"So, you don't mean normal 'easily excited', you mean…"

"He contaminated my hot tub," Quinn finished for her. Mercedes face converted to complete grossed-outedness. "I tried to distract him, get him to focus…he's got this trick he uses. One time when his mom was teaching him to drive he accidentally hit a mailman."

Mercedes' brows knit together in concern. "Did he-?"

"No, no, the mailman was alright, but Finn was mortified, so he would use that image and the terrified emotion he felt to kill the mood, so to speak. So I kept telling him to think of the mail but….it must have been a holiday because the mailman was not on duty."

"Shall we continue the bad pun and say that you went postal?" Mercedes chuckled.

"No, actually I didn't," Quinn confessed amusedly. But just the same I wasn't too keen to stick around in that water. So we got out, with Finn apologizing profusely and me assuring him it was okay. We stepped into a little bath house we have to the side and rinsed and dried off, then went back inside and got dressed and just cuddled on the couch and watched TV. That was all, just cuddled, I guess hot tub thing was a buzz-kill for both of us."

"Well, it was definitely a buzz-kill for me. You're right, I really do wish I didn't know that about him." Mercedes said, looking as if an invisible hand was holding something especially foul smelling under her nose.

"Yeah, aaand?" Quinn inclined her head towards Mercedes.

"Right…" Mercedes made the motions of zipping her lips, locking it and throwing away the key.

"Okay," Quinn continued, satisfied with Mercedes vow of secrecy, "but you do see why I had to tell you, right?"

"Not really," Mercedes shook her head, her expression still frozen in a grimace.

"Think ahead," Quinn prodded her, "to when Finn found out in the choir room that Puck was the father. You remember Finn saying something about a hot tub?"

"Yeah, how you made somethin' up and Puck said he was dumb enough to believe tha-….waitaminit." Mercedes paused, piecing it together. "You let that poor boy believe that that's how he got you pregnant? That doesn't even sound possible."

"Well luckily Finn isn't too bright and also didn't pay too much attention in Sex Ed and would rather believe what I said then actually ask anyone if it was possible."

"Luckily?"

"Well, for me not for him. I know I sound awful wording it that way, but that's the way I was thinking. I was trying to save my own skin and didn't think twice about what I was doing to him in the process. Having the school think I was pregnant by a good guy like him rather than the town man-whore was the lesser of two evils, what did it matter what it did to Finns rep?" She said the next sentence with obvious self-loathing in her voice. "This is just the beginning of the awful things I've done since I found out I was pregnant. You're not going to think too highly of me by the end of this," she warned her dark-skinned companion.

"Oh that's cool. I didn't think too highly of you until a couple of weeks ago anyway." " Mercedes assured her, half-jokingly.

"Great, as long as we've got that out of the way, let's see…." Quinn said backtracking to the pre-pregnant (or rather unknowingly pregnant) part of the story. "Cuddling on the couch, nothing else eventful happened except a very sweet goodnight kiss and the promise to call me the next day, Sunday. Got up, got dressed, went to Mass like a good little Catholic. My church has it all day at different times, like most Catholic churches but I went to the same service my family always goes to, the one everyone knows my family always goes to.

" I didn't feel really comfortable going, but there are far too many gossiping hens there who would have been more than thrilled to inform Russell and Judy Fabray that one of their perfect daughters played hooky while they were out of town. I took Eucharist without going to confession first, which in my case was a big no-no. Telling a lie or something like that, you can get by without confession first. Having pre-marital sex? Really something you should clear with your priest before taking Communion.

"But the point of confession is to confess _exactly_ what you've done…aaand I didn't particularly want Father Rourke knowing exactly what I had done. I mean, it's not like I go in there and say 'Hey it's me, Quinn Fabray.' You don't say who you are but come on, I started going to that church nine months before I was born."

"So, he would have recognized your voice," Mercedes surmised.

"Bingo. I actually thought about driving out of town and confessing to a priest who didn't know me but somehow that felt even more wrong and shameful. So, didn't feel great about taking Communion but I did anyway, because," Quinn waved her hand dismissively.

"What would everyone think if you didn't?" Mercedes finished for her.

Quinn snapped her fingers and pointed at Mercedes. "You're getting the hang of this."


	9. Chapter 9

The girls made their way to the kitchen to get something to drink. Mercedes opted for a Diet Coke while Quinn made a tall glass of chocolate milk, vowing that when Beth was born she would cast aside the Krispy Kreme's and other things of that sort and re-embrace healthy eating habits. She ate well-balanced nutritious meals of course, she wanted her baby to be healthy….but those darn late night cravings, and Puck had spoiled her acting as a faithful enabler….well, she had developed quite the sweet tooth.

She was raising the cool glass to her lips when Beth abruptly informed her that the drink had nowhere to go if she swallowed it. She quickly set the glass down on the kitchen counter with a *thunk*. "Gotta pee!" she explained as she spun and jogged/waddled to the nearest bathroom. Mercedes waited out the few minutes patiently until she heard the concluding sound of the toilet flushing and the sink running as Quinn washed her hands. "That came out of nowhere," she observed as Quinn emerged.

"Yep, that's how she rolls, or in this case, jumps. You always hear pregnant women say the baby is using their bladder for a trampoline, it's true. You think you're fine, you don't have to go, then the baby repositions itself and you can't get to a bathroom quick enough."

Mercedes looked at the clock on the microwave; it was nearing nine-thirty. "Have you been back to church? Since you…left home, I mean."

"Not really, I couldn't face my congregation. I was going to go to a Christmas Eve service with Finn and his mom at a church they sometimes go to, but then Babygate busted open a couple of weeks before it, so- I couldn't face them either."

"Well I was wondering if you wanted to come with us tomorrow morning. We got nothing but good people." Mercedes quickly interjected as Quinn looked down at her obviously pregnant belly, "No one will judge you, you won't be the first teen mom to walk through those doors, trust me. But since you are growing a baby in there, you might want to take a sack lunch. When we have church, we have church!"

Quinn smiled warmly, "thank you, Mercedes, I'd love to."

"Good, hey, I'm gonna go put on my pj's and I'll meet you back in your room okay?"

"Okay," Quinn said. 'Your room', Mercedes had said. It was funny sounding. Quinn wondered how many years the Jones' had been at this house. How many years had that particular room had belonged to Bryce, now his sister had effortlessly made the transition of "ownership"? Naturally, the room bore no resemblance to her own, which she missed grievously. The bed seemed soft, pliant, just the way she liked, the comforter looked smooth, soft and warm enough but she missed her Egyptian cotton sheets. And of course she missed the antique hand-painted floral 1930's Italian bed they went on, not to mention the matching vanity complete with ottoman. She missed her personal fireplace on the far wall of her spacious room parallel to her antique Victorian settee where she would do her homework. She even missed her 1970's chaise at the foot of her bed, even though she rarely used it. No she wasn't spoiled at all.

Quinn set her now half consumed glass of milk on Bryce's desk and changed into her own sleepwear, Pucks shirt and shorts. The scent of his house, of him, drifted up to greet her and she breathed in deep. She did miss him, despite the fact that of late she had been in the "strangle him" mood more often than not. She heard Mercedes knock softly at the door and she let her in and they resumed their positions on the bed.

"So, I guess you guys really are calling her Beth then, huh?" Mercedes inquired.

"Yeah, I guess. I mean it's really for Puck. He wanted something we could call her, which is weird because Finn wanted to name her, too. At first I didn't want too. Not to sound cold, but I'm not keeping her…it just seemed like it would hurt even more giving her up after naming her. But Beth…it's a really nice name. A lot better than his other ideas: Jack Dani—oh wait sorry Jack-ie Daniels," Quinn said emphasizing the gender modifying vowels. "Stevie Nicks, who I love but I'm not naming my child that. He had some conglomeration of Joan Jett and Pat Benetar figured out that I can't even remember. He was bound and determined for her to have a rock star name."

'What about Axl Rose?" Mercedes offered.

"I think he mentioned that one too." Quinn recalled. "Anyway, the more names he chose, the more I liked 'Drizzle'. That was Finns choice."

"Drizzle?"

"Drizzle?" Quinn repeated. "Like when it's raining, but not hard, so you don't really need an umbrella."

"-Drizzle." Mercedes said once more, testing the name. "You know, it would make a cute nickname. Or middle name. Beth Drizzle Fabray-Puckerman."

"Oh, Dear Lord, do NOT even go there." Quinn rolled her eyes, groaning albeit good-naturedly. "No, I've made up my mind. No Fabray-Puckerman anything. I'm giving her up to someone who can take much better care of her than I can. Anyway, stop getting the chapters mixed up. I haven't even figured out I'm pregnant yet."

"Fine, so you went to church…" Mercedes began for her.

"Right, I went to church and we discussed how that went. Afterward Finn called me, just like he promised he would, for once. We met for brunch at a café on Anderson. It was nice, my family normally goes for brunch after mass, so it was nice to do that with him just that once. He was being so attentive to me. I don't know if something bad had gone down with him and Rachel or what, maybe he was just feeling guilty. I was feeling guilty and I certainly was not going to look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. Whatever time he wanted to spend with me I was on it. Being in that hot tub with him the night before was seriously that last place I wanted to be, but I didn't want to give him any more reasons to go running back to Rachel."

'_So have you called Puck yet?' Finn asked, poking at his omelet._

_The olive that was on Quinn's fork centimeters away from her open mouth fell back onto the plate as a "deer in the headlights" look overtook her face. 'What?'_

'_I was just wondering if you'd talked to Puck.'_

'_What would I talk to Puck about?' she said, dabbing her mouth with her napkin, willing her pulse to regulate._

'_Y'know….the hot tub' he muttered. 'I guess, it just, I dunno, needs to be cleaned before your parents come back.'_

'_Right,' she breathed a sigh of relief. 'Well, I can just clean it myself, how hard can it be?'_

'_Well yeah, but, what about refilling it. Do you know how to get the chemicals right and everything?'_

_Crap! She didn't. 'Oh, right, well I guess I _will_ call him then.' Quinn tried to sound nonchalant as a string of four letter words sat poised to erupt unbidden from the back of her throat._

'_And I'll pay for it…' Finn began._

'_No, it's okay.' Quinn assured him. 'My parents always leave extra cash when they go somewhere for stuff like this. I'll just tell them Puck was going through his list and saw we were due and I told him to go ahead.'_

'_Awesome,' then he asked sheepishly, 'you're not gonna tell him why are you?'_

'_Of course not, Finn' she said softly, a sympathetic smile tugging the corner of her mouth._

"Of course Puck was the last person I wanted to call. I tried to think of anyone else, because, you know, SO many people have pools in Lima, Ohio."

"Oh, yeah there must be dozens of pool cleaning businesses. One on every corner." Mercedes chimed in.

"Right. There are a couple more but I knew they wouldn't come out on such short notice on a Sunday afternoon…so I called Puck. Well, texted him actually."

'_I need a favor from u. I need my hot tub cleaned b4 my parents get home 2nite. Don't ask why, can u do it?'_

'_yea, I b there bout 3'_

"I told him I wouldn't be there. I'd just leave the key to the gate in a hanging basket and the kitchen door unlocked with the money on the counter and have him lock up when he left. I didn't know where I was going to be at three but it wasn't going to be around him. Before Finn and I left the café we made plans to meet at his house and watch a movie. I chose his house because I told him I was gonna go home and get the place spotless before my parents got back. Truth is it was just to avoid seeing Puck.

"I went home, cleaned the house, then I called Coach Sylvester. My plan to get Finn back that I had told Puck about, it was the Dakota Stanley thing. Finn for some reason had quickly developed a complete hero worship of Mr. Schue and I knew if I could get the club, especially Rachel, to turn on him it would get Finn away from her and maybe it could bring down the whole club. I told Sue about Mr. Schue's less than stellar choreography, she used her whatever-she's-got to find out Vocal Adrenaline used Dakota and we sort of concocted the plan together.

"At about 2:45 I set up everything for Puck and went over to Finns. He let me pick the movie but I don't even remember what we watched. I just remember getting home about six, everything was locked up, the hot tub looked clean and there was the little yellow receipt on the kitchen counter…next to the money. The receipt was blank all except for a line that said something like, 'On the house, just left this so you would know I did it.' I guess that was his way of apologizing some more.

"I got a couple last minute things in order for my parents, feeling sick to my stomach the whole time, wondering if when they got home if they'd be able to see my sinful acts written all over my face. But then I reminded myself that this was my parents we were talking about. They wouldn't say anything even if they did notice. Still, I was literally hot and cold. I felt so dirty and horrible and unforgivable, yet on the other hand things with Finn had turned for the better so quickly I thought maybe God was being merciful to me. I really didn't know what to think or how to feel so I just chose to disillusion myself with the latter, the one that made me feel better. It's the Fabray-way after all, no matter what keep your head high and think happy thoughts and the bad doesn't exist.

"They got home around nine. I hugged and kissed them, smiled and asked them how the retreat was and pretended to be interested as they told me all about the motivational speakers and everything. Then dad poured himself a scotch and went to watch all the TiVo'd Glenn Beck he'd missed and mom made herself a mojito and went to her office to catch up on some paperwork. I watched a little TV in my room, called Santana and filled her in on the "Death of Glee Club" plan, then went to bed.

"Next day at school, me and San talked to Rachel about Dakota Stanley, she brought it up to Mr. Schue, he created the Accafellas and did Glee less and less, Finn turned on Rachel everything was working like clockwork. Coach Sylvester then suggested we start picking off the other Glee members, and that's where _you_ come in."

"Finally! I was wondering when this story was gonna get good." Mercedes sassed, laughing.


	10. Chapter 10

Quinn smiled at Mercedes' comment and softly chuckled. "I don't even know how you got to be the first victim, San and I just walked out of Coach Sylvester's office and we saw you and Kurt talking down the hall. Anyone could see that you liked him, and everyone _but_ you could see that you weren't his type."

Mercedes scrunched her nose and gave a 'whatever' shrug.

"So we played matchmaker with you two, I guess hoping when the truth came out it would be too awkward for you be around each other and you would both quit. Whatever it was, just know I'm really really sorry about it, Mercedes."

"It's okay," Mercedes said. "You were a different person then."

Quinn smiled sadly. "Sometimes I'm not so sure," she muttered. "Anyway, Santana was having her own relationship problems. She was whining to me how she was going to break up with Puck because he was broke or something. I don't even know how those two could even consider themselves in a relationship; I mean neither of them was exclusive with each other (clearly). She acted like breaking up would be some big change; they would still be friends with benefits, which is basically all they ever had been even if San does go off on some weird jealousy kick sometimes."

Mercedes scoffed, "tell me about it."

"Yeah, but don't worry, you totally owned her during The Boy Is Mine."

Mercedes laughed. "Oh, I ain't worried, I know I did!"

"Although, San was keeping Puck distracted at school, just like I had said, he'd go back to his life and I'd go back to mine. Anyway, luckily Puck was respecting my wishes and giving me my space because I had bigger problems to deal with. We now had to raise eight thousand dollars to get Dakota to even show up! But we washed every car in Lima and locked him down. I knew he was going to be hard on us but I didn't quite expect the personal insults that he dished out. I mean cutting Artie right off the bat because he can't walk and you because…" Quinn trailed off, not wanting to offend.

"I got more curves than a Nissan ad," Mercedes finished cheekily.

"That sounds like something Puck would say."

"He did. It was one of his pick-up lines for me."

Quinn shook her head. "I honestly don't know how he manages to charm women. I really don't! I mean, look at me! I try so hard to be mad at him and keep my distance because I know what a player he is but I keep getting reeled in by him over and over again. I seriously feel like I'm on a yo-yo. And we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, I know lots of people at school think we are even though he dated you and still sleeps with half the town, I know he and I would never work as a couple unless he can learn to….you know. But I've seen a side of him no one else has, a sweet and almost noble side, and all he has to do is turn that on and I melt, no matter how mad I at him.

"And I find the oddest things about him attractive. His stupid Mohawk, I didn't realize how much till it was gone, the scar on the back of his head….his teeth! I am a stickler for teeth, I like them straight and white, one thing that really attracted me to Finn was his smile even if his teeth do seem a little small for his mouth but anyway we're not talking about him," Quinn rambled. "Puck, his teeth…have you ever seen his bottom teeth? His top teeth are fine but his bottom teeth are really crooked and you know what? I find that incredibly sexy! But only on him! I have never been turned on by crooked teeth before, only on him."

"I can kinda get behind that. I think braces on a guy is sexy," Mercedes admitted.

"Complete with headgear, freckles and coke-bottle glasses?"

"Umm, no"

"Just checking," Quinn winked. "So back to Dakota Stanley. I found myself really feeling bad about all the things he was saying. I should have been great because Finn said he quit then one by one you guys all started walking out, this was my plan working like clockwork, and I felt horrible. And as much as I hate to admit it, I cheered when Rachel rallied you guys back together and told that Oompa-loompa off, even if it did mean that Rachel was back in Finns good graces.

"Coach Sylvester was, predictably, less than pleased at the outcome. The Acafellas were over so glee had Mr. Schue's undivided attention again, and that time away had kind of inspired him and he brought that enthusiasm back to the club and rejuvenated everybody. She was not happy."

"Not to mention the 8 G's down the toilet," Mercedes reminded her.

"Yeah, that too. Precious Cheerios practice time wasted and nothing to show for it. That money could have at least gone to the Cheerios but it ended up not doing anyone but Dakota Stanley any good. Ah, well I reckon he could use it. I imagine that Big Gay Beard he had in the car with him that night doesn't come cheap."

The girls had fallen into an easy laughter when the chorus of Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You" coming from Quinn's phone diverted their attention.

"That would be Puck," Quinn said reaching for her phone, registering his personal ringtone.

"Fitting," Mercedes observed.

Quinn read his text thoroughly, then read it aloud to Mercedes.

"Hope I didn't wake you. Just wanted to tell you goodnight and hope you're surviving Mercedes….Sarah misses you." She turned the face of the phone to Mercedes to show her.

"I don't think I've ever seen my name misspelled that bad." Mercedes said, peering at the screen. "So '_Sarah_' misses you, huh?"

Quinn chuckled as she replied to the text. _You didn't, we're just talking and everything's fine so far. Tell Sarah I miss her too. Goodnight. 3 ~Q_

She volleyed back and forth the idea to tell him that she missed him too, but she know it would only lead to him asking her to come back.

"He wasn't crazy about the idea of me moving here," she admitted to Mercedes. "Nothing against you, just, despite us not being quote-unquote together, he still feels like it's his responsibility to house me."

"Yeah, I guess since it's his fault you got kicked outta your house in the first place."

"Well, takes two to tango," Quinn sighed.

"Yeah, but he was the one that uh, what did you say? Didn't 'got it'?"

"This is true…."

'_I don't want you to leave.' Puck said from the doorway of his bedroom as he watched her pack._

'_Look, Puck, I'm grateful for everything but I really think this is better for everyone.'_

'_I-if this is about my mom, I can talk to her. I know she can be crazy and stuff sometimes, but she's just got to accept that-'_

'_No, this is her house. She and I don't get along, there's all kinds of differences between us, especially religious differences, I can respect that, she doesn't approve of me, or us, or our situation,' Quinn said as she hastily shoved her belongings into her duffel bag. 'She shouldn't have to be miserable in her own home because of the mistakes of two stupid teenagers. And look at it this way, now you can have your bed back.'_

"He gave me his bed and he slept on the couch, in case you were wondering. Sometimes if I was feeling cruddy he would make a pallet by the bed and sleep on the floor so he would be right there if I got sick or needed something in the middle of the night. He would get to sleep in his bed sometimes when my back would hurt and it would be more comfortable for me to sleep in the recliner. Or when Sarah and I would stay up late with girl talk and she would ask me to "sleep over". My big ole pregnant belly and her sharing a single size princess bed. That was a sight."

'_You know I don't care about that. Do you need me to do more is, that it? Cuz I can, well when me and Finn pay off the tires I can-'_

'_You've done plenty,' she zipped the bag closed as she heard Mercedes pull into the drive. She walked over to Puck and placed a hand gently on his upper chest, pretending to smooth his collar. 'I just think this is a healthier change. I'm stressed out here, and it's not good for me to be stressed right now…please understand, Puck.' _

_Puck sighed, defeated as he heard his mother open the door for Mrs. Jones and Mercedes. Quinn stood on her tip-toes and kissed Puck low on the cheek, brushing her bottom lip against the corner of his mouth. He tilted his head to kiss her properly but she turned to grab her bag. He took the strap from her hands._

'_Here, at least let me carry it out for you. You don't need to be lifting that much.'_

"Anyway," Quinn yawned. "I need to be finding a stopping point here sometime soon, been a busy day. So, getting back on track, Sue chewed us out and revoked some privileges, and you know what? I was mad. Not that the plan failed but because we were getting punished for something that was out of our hands. It was her plan too, why were me and San getting all the blame? So I um, may or may not have talked back to her," Quinn confessed.

'_Coach Sylvester, I wanna thank you.'_

'_For what?'_

'_For teaching me a valuable life lesson: When you truly believe in yourself, you don't have to bring other people down.'_

"Of course I kept bringing other people down, but I think we've already established I don't have the best faith in myself. But right then I believed it and I said it and it felt _good, I felt good!_ I, mostly, had Finn back, things seemed to be going my way and I felt good for the first time in a long time. Then a few weeks later, I skipped my period. I tried not to freak out. It wasn't the first time I'd skipped a period, it was just the first time I'd actually _done_ something to make skipping warrant a freak-out. I tried to convince myself that it was just like the other times I had skipped. You know, female athletes skip occasionally, a lot of people don't think cheerleaders are athletes but they are.

"The next step was convincing myself I had a virus when I threw up one morning, and throughout the rest of the day…and the next day and the next. Tried and failed-commence freak-out, and conclude part one of the Life and Times of Quinn Fabray."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N- Okay so if there is one thing I don't like doing its writing AU. I have no problems with AU stories I have read many and loved many, but I avoid writing them myself. I nit-pic everything I write, erase and write again just to make sure my story seems in-character and like it could be completely canon given what we know about the character I am writing about. Well, after "Born This Way" every single Quinn fanfiction ever written by anyone has now become AU. Thanks a lot RIB. Not quite sure how I feel about this latest "character development" if one would dare call it that. I hate it, but like (not love) it at the same time. What I hate the most is it turned my head-canon and consequently my entire story on its head. I know this is not the place for a rant, but I have said that to say this. If it were not for the fact that I have already devoted 10 stinking chapters to this fic I would drop it, but I'm too far invested in it not to finish it now. I thank all of you who have read and reviewed, please continue to do so, and because of you I will try to continue with the same fervor and love for this story that I had when I believed it could be canon. Thanks for bearing with me through that, now onto Chapter 11! …although I wonder….was it straight up "Lucy"? Or was it Lucille or Lucinda? Something of that nature? And I do have to say I am proud of Quinn for owning up to it at the end rather than simply trying to convince the school that Lauren is just good with Photoshop. …..Anyway, right the chapter, In case you haven't noticed my shirt would have said "A.D.D." I have a severe case of it. From the way my chapters go off topic and Mercedes always has to steer Quinn back on course, you've probably noticed. So if I ever have one AU element in this story with Quinn, that would be it, projecting my short attention span onto her. But I can't help it….. 'cuz baby I was born this way.**

**ADD ADD ADD QUIRCEDES ADD ADD ADD **

Quinn awoke the next morning to the welcome smell of a Sunday breakfast feast being prepared. She inhaled deeply, yes she could make out pancakes…or homemade waffles she wasn't sure which, eggs, fried potatoes…ooh that meant hash browns, coffee of course and….wait was that….yes, oh yes, it was most definitely bacon! Quinn padded downstairs to the kitchen and laid her eyes on what, in _Chez Puckerman_, would be considered a Jewish Nightmare. Every possible way Quinn knew of to prepare pork for breakfast was on the stove.

"Mrs. Jones, do you realize you are my favorite person in the world right now?" Quinn asked announcing her presence.

"Oh, good morning, Quinn!" Mrs. Jones said brightly as she sat down her spatula that had been flipping sausage patties to envelop Quinn, a girl who was still practically a stranger to her, in a warm hug. "Have a seat, breakfast is almost ready. What would you like to drink, sweetie? Milk, apple or orange juice?"

Quinn had just slid into her seat when the question hit her ears, she moved to stand again, "Oh, you've got enough to do, Mrs. Jones, I can get it myse-"

"Nonsense I'm right here," Mrs. Jones said a glass appearing in one hand while the other hovered near the beverage cartons placed on the counter, waiting on Quinn's decision.

"Oh, well, apple I guess, thank you."

"You're welcome, sweetie," Mrs. Jones said as she filled the glass and took it to Quinn. "And no more of this Mrs. Jones nonsense. Call me Felicia. Miz Felicia if you must."

"Okay, Miss Felicia," Quinn chuckled before taking a long swallow.

"No, '_Miz'_, get it right."

"_Miz _Felicia" Quinn enunciated.

"Perfect. Morning, honey," she said turning to give and receive a kiss on the cheek from Mercedes, then pecking Mr. Jones, who had followed behind Mercedes, on the lips while helping him fix his tie. Quinn couldn't help but watch in wonder how Mrs. Jones managed to do all this while keeping the ten dishes she was currently cooking from going up in flames.

As Mercedes settled next to her Quinn said, "Your mom is like 'Wonder Mom". My mom just _looks_ like June Cleaver while she's cooking, with the high heels and dress, perfectly coiffed hair and the apron. And she can put together some great meals but she has to cook everything one at a time. Not like your mom, how does she keep everything from burning?"

"Well, when you come from generations of a family that loves to eat, you learn to cook," Mercedes said.

"Ain't that the truth," Mrs. Jones said, pouring Mr. Jones' coffee. "Alright, everyone help yourselves, this food ain't gonna eat itself," she added, announcing the food was ready.

Quinn tried not to let her eyes and taste buds get bigger than her two stomachs as she eyed the beautiful buffet before her. Getting a little bit of everything knowing she could always go back for more, she and her plate made their way back to the table and waited for everyone else to sit down.

As Mr. Jones took his seat, being the last in line, he held his hands out to either side of him, just as he had the night before at supper. All four of them joined hands and bowed their heads.

"Dear Heavenly Father," he began praying, "We thank You for this beautiful day You have created for us. We thank You for the food You've provided and for the skilled hands that prepared it," he smiled as Mrs. Jones squeezed his hand. "We pray that You will bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies and our bodies always to Your service. We pray that You will be with the service today, that You will use the pastor to preach the message Your people need to hear today, Lord and that it would touch hearts and change lives.

"And Father God, once again we thank You for the presence of Mercedes' friend, Quinn, and the blessing she has been to have in our home. We pray that You will bless her and the child she carries. Be with her, lead, guide and direct her in this uncertain time in her life.

"Forgive us where we have sinned, Lord and help us to forgive others as You would. We pray all of these things in Your Sons most precious and holy name, Amen."

"Amen," they all echoed softly. "Thank you," Quinn added, looking towards Mr. Jones who smiled warmly. Quinn wasn't sure what she had done to be considered a "blessing" to have around. Sure, they'd all had lovely conversation the night before at dinner, and Quinn and Mrs. Jones had compared pregnancy horror stories. Luckily, Mr. Jones, being a dentist, was pretty hard to gross out, even at the dinner table, and to Mercedes' credit she only blanched about three times. But even with that, all she really felt like she had done for them was move into their sons' room and eat their food. She began formulating a plan to fix that.

Sunday breakfast at the Jones' turned out to be a different affair than dinner. There was still plenty of talking but it felt more rushed as they all had somewhere to be soon. Mr. Jones finished first and excused himself from the table. Shortly after that he was walking out the door; being a deacon he had to be at the church for prayer meeting before the congregation arrived.

After they were done, she and Mercedes helped her mom to put away whatever food was left and place the plates and pans in the sink to soak. "They'll keep 'till after lunch, you girls go get ready."

Quinn wasn't sure what to wear. She really liked the purple dress that she had worn when she performed 'It's a Man's World', but it was quite formfitting and she thought it drew too much attention to her belly. Mercedes had said that no one at her church would judge her but at the same time Quinn didn't want to wear something that screamed "look at me, I'm pregnant". She settled for her favorite blue baby-doll dress, although Kurt had deemed them a "dead-give-away" as well. Well, that was then, when she could still hide it. Now the only thing she could wear to camouflage her stomach was a cardboard box with armholes cut in it. She laid the dress on the bed, and then stepped into the guest bathroom for a quick shower.

Twenty-five minutes later, with her dress donned, make-up applied and still slightly damp hair falling into waves Quinn retrieved her faithful gold slippers from the closet floor. She did grow tired of wearing them nearly every day, but they were comfortable and the sides were stretchy, and with the way she was retaining water and her ankles and feet swelling and shrinking at intervals during the day they were the one pair of shoes she knew would fit comfortably all day long. She scrunched her 'smoothing frizz control gel' infused hair in her hands and made her way downstairs to go to church.

**At the church**

It was just as Mercedes promised. She was greeted with smiles, hugs and warm "welcome"s to their church. They took their seats and it wasn't long before the choir director beckoned Mercedes up to the stage to perform the lead in the choral special.

"You know, God works in mysterious ways," Mercedes began, greeted with numerous 'amens' as she stepped up to the pulpit. "The choir and I have been practicing this song for weeks, but we couldn't quite get it right. And it just so happens, we're finally ready to sing it on a day that I _know_ there's somebody out there that needs to hear it." She nodded to the director who brought the choir in with beautiful harmonization, paving the way for Mercedes' powerful voice to deliver the words, with the choir echoing her at certain parts of the song.

_I just came from the throne room today, been talking with Him  
And I was reminded where I am and where I've been  
I've sailed many waters rough and deep  
Oh, but someone has sailed each one with me  
safely and surely I've weathered the storms with my dearest friend._

Oh I am safe thus far, He's brought me safe thus far  
I'm in the ship with one who made the moon and stars  
I praise him for mercy that can't fail  
Amazing grace that still prevails  
This is my story I give Him the glory safe thus far.

Mmmm, I've stood in the face of stormy seas as they rolled apart  
I've rested in peace as He spoke to my trembling heart  
And I really don't know what lies ahead  
But I have no doubt no fear no dread  
I'll still be standing telling my story safe thus far.

Oh I am safe thus far, He's brought me safe thus far  
I'm in the ship with one who made the moon and stars  
I praise him for mercy that can't fail  
Amazing grace that still prevails  
This is my story this is my song  
This is my story I give him all the glory safe thus far 

_Safe thus far._

Quinn wiped a tear from her cheek before joining in the much deserved applause. She had heard that song a few times before in her life but never had she _heard_ it the way she did that day. She enjoyed the pastors following message, but honestly she felt after that song she was "churched" enough to last her throughout the rest of the week.

Quinn told Mercedes more than once on the way home how much the song had meant to her and they were still talking about it as they fixed thick sandwiches for lunch from the previous night's leftover roast beef. "It's just been so easy to feel like I'm alone lately you know. That song reminded me that I never am. It was just exactly what I needed to hear," Quinn said with finality.

"I'm glad. Cuz you know every word of its true," Mercedes said. "Now…do you know what's exactly what I need to hear?" she asked.

"More Lifetime Original Movie?" Quinn guessed.

"Yup!"

"You're enjoying this far too much, are you sure you're not collecting all this for blackmail or a tell-all memoir?"

Mercedes fixed her with her sassiest "gurl, please" look and Quinn smiled.

"Okay, so I was nearly positive I was pregnant but in total denial until I had concrete proof. The only question now was how to discreetly get my hands on a pregnancy test."


	12. Chapter 12

AN: The end of this chapter actually works as a companion piece to a one-shot that I did between Quinn and Rachel. It does not HAVE to be read to understand whats going on but it certainly doesn't hurt. .net/s/6064354/1/One_of_Us

"I thought about spending the night at Santana's and swiping one of hers, I think she has them in bulk under her sink, but I couldn't guarantee she wouldn't notice one missing and I certainly wasn't going to ask her for one. So I decided I needed to just go buy one. I couldn't go anywhere local and me and my mom go shopping and spend enough money in all the surrounding cities enough that I would even be recognized there."

"Must suck to be so popular, recognizable, loaded, well dressed-," Mercedes smirked.

"It does have its drawbacks," Quinn said dramatically brushing her hair behind her shoulder. "Anyway, we had only been to St. Mary's a couple of times and I was still looking for a dress for the Chastity Ball (oh the irony). There are a few nice boutiques there so I told my mom that I was going to go there that Saturday. My mom had already made plans with two of her high-class friends that nothing short of the Lord coming back would keep her from, so I knew she wouldn't try to go with me. So, I went there by myself and I really did go looking for a dress, I just made a little pit stop into a pharmacy. I bought four different ones just to be sure and used a bathroom in an old antique store while I was looking for something for my mom for her birthday."

"It's astounding how you do all this other stuff hiding what you're really doing there."

"I really was there to do all that other stuff, sort of" Quinn said, unconvincingly. "Like I said, my family's default mode is denial. I hoped that if I went on pretending everything was okay and normal that it would be and that I was, I don't know, puking every morning because of stress or something. So, I took the tests, the vote was unanimous, and the hour drive home was longest hour of my life."

"I didn't tell anyone. I couldn't. Especially not my parents. I couldn't tell Puck, I didn't want to; I didn't want him to know. I didn't think it would do any good anyway. I had no idea that he would actually be the better choice over Finn, that he would be the one who would step up the most. I didn't even want to tell Finn, things were going so great between us. But then Mr. Schue gave Tina a solo that Rachel, of course, wanted and she stormed off so Finn was all mopey about her and bringing her up in conversation and I felt him slipping away again. So instead of just letting him go and let the truth play out I decided to use the hot tub incident to convince him he was the father."

"He told Mr. Schue, which I wasn't crazy about but thank God he knew enough to help and support us as much as he could without telling out parents. He told Puck too, which other than my parents was the last person I wanted to find out. He cornered me, told me he would take care of me and the baby. He sounded like he _wanted _to help, like it wasn't a burden or inconvenience at all. He just accepted right off the bat that we'd made this bed and now we had to lie in it. He didn't say any of this in a particularly nice way, though. He was angry that I hadn't told him and had instead told Finn that it was his. I should have taken his offer, though. It would have saved me a lot of, well a lot of a lot of things. Aggravation, stress, heartache… but like I said, I had no idea he'd end up being the bigger man. He was no more faithful to me than Finn was but he is devoted to this baby. I was just thinking of _when_ my parents found out, I knew I couldn't hide it from them forever, and I thought the reaction would be less severe if I revealed the father as being a nice, clean-cut, all American boy versus Puck who is….not.

"Puck came up to me and Finn later, playing it all coy, saying he'd been getting sick in the mornings a lot, just trying to cause dissention between me and Finn. I knew he was mad and I guess he had a right to be, but then he did something I never thought he'd do. He said "Are you putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs or they won't be able to lift you to the top of the pyramid anymore." I know Finn thought he was just making another comment about be being pregnant, but he wasn't."

_Tell me one more time…_

_You're not fat._

"He hit me where he knew it would hurt the most. He knew about my body issues, the struggle it had been," Quinn's voice cracked, "and he said that to deliberately hurt me. Finn told him to back off and he did, he walked away. I used that to solidify in my mind that Finn was the right choice and that this could make everything better. But I never should have saddled Finn with any of this, it didn't make anything better, it just made it worse.

"Finn is a nice guy, but he's just really….simple-minded and it just really started getting on my nerves. He never took any initiative, like his words said that he loved and cared about me and this baby but his actions didn't show it. I guess he just thought since we weren't going to keep it he didn't need to alter his life too much. Rachel _finally _had to get him a job to help with the bills because he couldn't seem to get one under his own power, whereas Puck already had a job and tried a few times to give me money, but I was still bound and determined to drag Finn down with me. And I know it was wrong of me to force him to get a job for a kid who wasn't even his, wrong of me to lie in the first place but... I don't know what I'm trying to say other than what I've said ten times before: I _thought _he was the better choice.

"But his dopiness that I used to find kinda cute is no longer as endearing a trait in the guy you have chosen to be the father of your child and I started kinda treating him like crap. I was calling him out on stuff more and insulting him, trying to make him who I thought he should be. I really pushed him to her, I guess," she trailed off, knowing Mercedes knew who 'her' was.

"And then it started making me even angrier at myself that I had taken this great guy who really liked me and…did to him what everyone had done to me my whole life. I pointed out his faults, the things that I thought he should try to do better at, even before I got pregnant I had tried to make him realize the rep that we had and he needed to do this or not do this to fit our image…I tried to make him…live to make me happy…instead of himself…wow," she paused for quite a few moments then.

"But, you know what? Maybe I didn't screw him up as bad as I think I did because lately I don't think he knows what would make him happy. When he was with me he wanted Rachel, when he was with Rachel he wanted to be with-well the whole Cheerios squad basically, I mean I know he went out with Santana and Brittany, then when Rachel started dating Jesse he wanted her back but had sex with Santana…"

"Wait, he what?" Mercedes cut her off.

"Oh, yeah," Quinn stated. "Back when we had Madonna week. Puck told me."

"Santana?" Mercedes asked.

"Yup."

"Doesn't he know where that thing's been? I hope he used protection," Mercedes said, still not believing her ears.

"You and me both," Quinn replied, shaking her head as if trying to dispel the mental image.

"Wait, so is this part of that patient/therapist confidentiality that's not allowed to leave this room?"

"Absolutely."

Mercedes gave a loud exasperated sigh and flopped back on the bed. "Aww, c'mon you can't expect me to keep this to myself," Mercedes whined to the ceiling.

Quinn was silent for a few moments before groaning, "Fine, if you absolutely must tell someone-you didn't hear it from me!" Quinn relented.

"Deal. Speaking of things I'm not allowed to tell people about Finn, how did that whole thing with Santana go with Finn's umm…..problem?" Mercedes asked coyly.

"From what Santana told Puck, it was pretty much over before she realized it happened."

"Hmmm," was all Mercedes could say.

"Anyway, let's move on, we've spent far too much time discussing Finn's…."Quinn's lips began to quirk as she tried not to smile, "short-comings," she finished and both girls began snickering loudly at the double entendre. "But, this is something serious now, what I'm about to tell you, you are going to pretty upset with me about. I don't know how much you know about the situation with Mr. Schue and his wife…well ex-wife now, but I know quite a lot."

"I know that they were havin' a baby and now they're not, did she miscarry or something?" Mercedes asked.

"No, she was never pregnant, she thought she was. They had been growing apart but the baby seemed to bring them closer, so when she realized she wasn't pregnant… she knew she needed a baby to get him to stay with her. But she wasn't having one…..I was. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Quinn asked, not really wanting to say it out-loud.

Mercedes was silent for a few seconds. She knew the answer, but like Quinn, was reluctant to say it. "You were going to give her your baby."

"She pretended to be pregnant, I don't know how I thought we could actually pull it off, I mean what husband goes nine months without touching his wife's belly or even just seeing her get dressed or something? I think I was more focused on knowing that with him, my baby would have a good father."

"Did Finn know?"

"No," Quinn said quickly. "I couldn't trust him to keep something like that from Mr. Schue. And I can't imagine what you must be thinking about me right now, but I honestly never wanted to hurt Mr. Schue. But, it's all settled now, the truth came out and I talked to Mr. Schue about it and it's all good. Well as good as can be, but I'll get to that later. Just let me get to the end before you pass judgment."

"Okay," Mercedes said, fairly.

"It all kind of snowballed after that. Puck joined Glee to get closer to me but then started dating Rachel which seemed really weird to me but at the same time I kinda hoped it would distract him like I hoped Santana would distract him earlier in the year. Of course we were now in a _much_ different situation than we were then. And I was hoping _he _would distract _her _from Finn, fat chance. They were over before the week was out.

"Oh, but before that happened we had the split-up teams because of the vitamin-D fiasco. Mr. Schue assigned our team "No Air" with, naturally, Finn and Rachel doing everything and me, Puck and Brittany being background scenery. And in their typical fashion it was all googly eyes and touching all over each other when they do a duet, no I wasn't standing right behind them at all don't mind me! I seriously wanted to bludgeon both of them with my mic stand. I mean I just really wished at that point that Finn would grow a pair and break up with me, because God knows I wasn't going to leave him. But I knew he didn't want me anymore. I even organized a Cheerios routine around Diana Ross' "You Keep Me Hangin' On". He even told me that week that he wished I was more like Rachel."

Mercedes gave Quinn a look that could only be translated as "Oh no he di-in't"

"Yeah, it was right after he suggested the name 'Drizzle'. I told him he was being insensitive trying to name the baby when I had told him we weren't keeping it and he was like 'well what else do you want me to do?'. I don't know, I'd like some sort of contribution from you other than a baby name. How about spending the time that we're in a room together focusing your attention on me, your girlfriend, instead of Rachel. Like, Mr. Schue took us to an appointment and Finn saw the baby for the first time and for that half-hour he was all about me and the baby. As soon as we got back to school…BAM, back in Berryland.

"And then he was like 'this is happening to me too' and to an extent it was but his life wasn't nearly as ruined as mine, his life had barely changed at all! This was before I started pushing him to get a job. I hoped he would take some initiative and see that as the next required step on his own but he didn't, I finally had to bring it up. So then I told him that he wasn't the one who was going to get burned at the stake by his parents when they found out and that's when he told me he wished I was more like Rachel because she cares about his feelings." Quinn said in a sardonic tone that was just begging for her to add 'Well bless your poor little heart'

"I mean, seriously what did his feelings have to do with any of this? Sorry if I'm not gonna coddle you like she would when you certainly don't seem too worried about _my_ feelings at the moment. Sometimes the truth hurts, deal with it! You don't ever get your feelings hurt, you don't grow. Do you know why the Cheerios have won six consecutive National Championships? 'Cause we get ripped a new one every practice. The fact that it only helped exacerbate my low self-esteem and body image issues is completely beside the point!

"So then he said, "And she sticks up for us. She gave Jacob a pair of her underwear so he wouldn't blog about you being pregnant." I was thinking 'Really?-Really.' He honestly believed Rachel did that for me. To protect me, to save _my _reputation. I mean, even knowing how dim Finn is, I sometimes cannot fathom how someone can be _that _oblivious. Sometimes he seems completely aware of Rachel's intentions and motivations but times like that just…" Quinn let out a heavy sigh

"Rachel and I then had a bit of a face-off and she_ finally_ admitted to me that she was indeed trying to steal Finn from me, that's when I started on the "Keep Me Hangin' On" routine. Then Sue found out about me being pregnant and Jacob spread it throughout the school and Finn held me and told me it was going to be okay and I began having hope for our relationship again. Then we all got back together and did "Keep Holdin' On" and Rachel made sure to smile supportively at me like that was going to make everything better and that it was going to cure me of all my problems and make me forget that she was constantly trying to steal Finn from me," Quinn scoffed.

"Miraculously Sue didn't kick me off the Cheerios straight away. I don't know, the way she was acting it was like she was seeing someone, and she was in a really good mood. But eventually the good mood faded and I was kicked to the curb, but not before I got slushied by like 10 dumb jock-straps at once.

"Yeah, I remember that week, no one was safe," Mercedes commented.

"Yeah everybody started wearing raincoats to school. Finn and I wore sunglasses, I guess trying to be cool, got slushied anyway. I kept wearing them throughout the week to protect my eyes if it happened again." Quinn looked down and started picking at a spot on the comforter of the bed before continuing softly, "You know she cleaned it off of me?"

There was a brief silence and then Mercedes asked, "Rachel?"

"Yeah." Quinn continued picking at the spot. "I wanted to be mad at her, y'know? After everything she was doing, ruining everything….well, I was ruining everything she was adding to it. I went to the bathroom after I got slushied and I _told_ myself not to cry, but it didn't work. Rachel came in a couple of minutes later. After everything, after all of our fighting and drama and the names that I had called her and the ways I had insulted her I expected her to….I don't know get a moment of private victory that I was getting a taste of my own medicine. But she looked at me like she felt sorry for me…and then she cleaned it off of me. I asked her why, and she said 'because you're one of us.' Sometimes I really think Rachel wants nothing more than to be accepted by us and have our friendship but she can be so grating at the same time that she pushes people away. So here she was, being kind to me and it was once again making me feel even worse about myself, because I told you how I feel that she is such a better person than I am (when she's not being a man stealer) and that is why I hate it when she does nice things for me after the things I've done to her. It just solidifies even more that she's better than me. Not to mention this happened _after_ she had already done that a couple of weeks before when she got me to come back to glee during the mash-up competition. She said how I needed glee and that the cheerios would probably boot me once I started showing and that you guys wouldn't judge me. Then came the worst part of the conversation.

_I would have tortured you if the roles were reversed, you know._

…_..I know._

I think that was the moment I _knew_ Rachel was a better person than me. The next week we fought like feral cats and the week after that she was rinsing slushie out of my hair. It makes my head spin. And then there's the fact that I found her pretty tolerable that week because she was dating Puck and wasn't _overly_ fixated on Finn.

"But little did I know that my problems were about to get a lot bigger. Mr. Schue announced we were having the bake sale for the bus to regionals and things between me and Puck got….interesting."


End file.
